I literally got stuck in my shorts and nothing seems to fit...I blame Little Debbie. Damn her and her delicious, processed goodies.
2011 has been a tough one so far--full of highs and lows--highs on the scale and lows in life. For the first time, I've experienced intense anxiety and overwhelming insecurities. From food to anxiety to food, food, food, food, FOOD--I'm finally starting to gain control of both.
I've spent my life feeling on top of the world. True, there have been some challenges along the way but for the most-part, it's been fabulous. This year, however, has been a HUGE wake-up call.
It all began in February...somewhere in the midst of all of the snow days, I found my crazy. I believe everyone has a little crazy in them; it just emanates itself in different ways. If you haven't found yours yet...LOOK OUT!
All of a sudden, I felt a huge sense of loneliness, insecurity and self-pity--all feelings I'd never truly dealt with--especially not all at once. I was overwhelmed with intense, physical and emotional anxiety. Simple everyday tasks felt like running a marathon. If something triggered my anxiety throughout the day, I became completely useless. My eating disorder was back--with full force. I was consumed with hopelessness and doubt and couldn't grasp where these feelings were coming from. To put it simply: I was out of control.
In April, I began seeing a counselor (as an alternative to medication). It's been great. I'm making progress, learning a lot about myself, and though difficult and somewhat contrived, thanking God for this journey. I'm feeling as things are getting back to normal...and I like that.
The good news? I've learned that I'm never truly alone. I've spent the last 25 years as a Christian but was never all that concerned about having a personal relationship with God. This Ginny Owens song pretty much sums up where I'm at:
The pathway is broken
And The signs are unclear
And I don't know the reason why You brought me here
But just because You love me the way that You do
I'm gonna walk through the valley
If You want me to
Cause I'm not who I was
When I took my first step
And I'm clinging to the promise You're not through with me yet
so if all of these trials bring me closer to you
Then I will walk through the fire
If You want me to
It may not be the way I would have chosen
When you lead me through a world that's not my home
But You never said it would be easy
You only said I'd never go alone
So When the whole world turns against me
And I'm all by myself
And I can't hear You answer my cries for help
I'll remember the suffering Your love put You through
And I will go through the valley If You want me to
DANG, Ginny Owens...dang.
More good news: I'm doing REALLY well. I'm fortunate enough to have a loving husband and supportive family. I feel good and feel like myself again. I maybe have 1-2 tough days a month...who doesn't? There's a light at the end of this tunnel and I can see it. That being said, I could still use your prayers but please don't feel sorry for me. This is something that I had to go through and I'm coming out on the other end stronger because of it. And for that, I"m grateful.
The weight part? I've gained a little but I'm about a month sober from my destructive eating habits. Even though my clothes don't quite fit, I've thrown away the oatmeal creme pies and I'd say that's a good start!