August 5, 2009

Roller Coaster of CRAZY

I have a confession: I skipped Weight Watchers Saturday and didn't have a legitimate excuse. I didn't go because I had gained nearly the 3.6lbs that I had lost the week before. WHY? Because of my injury, I missed over a week (30 miles) of running but still ate as if I were running. Not the best plan ever, I know. I'm living the consequences. I have to buck up though because of my rule: NEVER miss two Weight Watchers meetings in a row. NEVER.

Let me go into detail about my INSANE emotions this week. So, the leg has been hurt, right? Well, this leads to sheer PANIC because of who I am: I am a quitter. Always have been. Working on changing that. Ever since I started Weight Watchers (this time) there's something deep inside that tells me I'm going to quit. I've quit all of the other 10+ times I've joined. Why would this be any different? I have to fight it all of the time. All of the time. With exercise, it's always been the same...I've quit. Therefore when I started running classes with RunOn, I assumed I would quit. It's what I've always done. It's what I do. Again, wanting to fight this feeling, I continue to sign up for more challenging classes and run. Like I've said before, I REQUIRE accountability. Weight Watchers meetings and RunOn classes keep me accountable. They are wonderful and suck at the same time. I HIGHLY recommend both!!! So...this injury freaks me out because I think to myself, "Here's your out, Caroline. Your excuse. You can quit now". AHHHHH! Go away!!! Seriously. The panic comes from NOT wanting to quit but feeling like I'm so far behind each run that I miss. Conclusion: FOOD. CRYING. FOOD. I didn't say this was the RIGHT conclusion, but it's what happened.

GOOD NEWS!!! On Sunday, I made it 9 out of 13 miles (though I shouldn't have run because of the CRAZY pain). At mile 9, my leg said, "That's good enough," and I was done. Still felt great after barely running that week. I'm feeling MUCH better now and feel like I am ready to get back to the training schedule. Please pray for me!

MORE GOOD NEWS!!! The weight that I had gained last week is back off. Looks like I will lose about a pound this week, and I'll take it!

One more food story before I go. So, I have been working on my classroom all week. On Monday, I worked really hard for 3-4 hours and then came to a stopping point. I stood in my room, with NO idea what to do next but knowing that the "TO DO" list was overwhelming. I started worrying about everything that needed to be done. All of a sudden, I wanted one thing and one thing only: a Sonic bacon, egg, and cheese breakfast burrito, large tater tots, and a large Dr Pepper. I guess that's three things, oh well, you get where I'm going. Here's what I'd like to explain: me WANTING this was nearly uncontrollable. I found something to take my mind off of it for a bit but the second I stalled, the craving was back. Apparently, my cure for stress this day was grease and sugar. I could nearly taste the food in my mouth (because I ate this every morning for six months in 2007)!!! So, I started to get upset at myself for how CRAZY strong this craving was. As I was walking to the car, I was saying OUTLOUD, "It's not worth it, Caroline. It's not worth it." Didn't matter. I was still going to get it. Which brings me to another pitfall: EATING IN THE CAR. Don't do this. There's no accountability. It's dangerous. I could write an entire entry about CAR FAT. That was me. Back to my story...yeah, I was totally going to Sonic. I was upset about it, but still definitely going. I started breathing heavy because of how much I wanted it but knew it was wrong and in desperation (yes, desperation) I grabbed my phone and called Scott. I knew he wouldn't understand (the boy could have chicken and broccoli every night and not feel like he was depriving himself of anything) but as long as I could keep him on the phone until I drove past both Sonics on the way home, I would be good to go. It worked! It totally worked!!! Scott may think I am a little insane but at the end of the night, I saved hundreds and hundreds of calories. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.

So, I share these things because it helps me to face my problems. Also, I hope that people that read the CRAZINESS will feel like they're not the only person that really, really struggles with food and weight loss DAILY. I know I'm being vulnerable and I am okay with it.

Until next time...happy EATING and EXERCISING!